May 30, 2000
We sat at the picnic table
Never used as a family
Just a facade
You wanted to walk away
Never about us, just you
We were holding you back
The kids seemed surprised
Never heard us fight
It wasn’t that simple
I watched my life shatter
Never thought I’d be alone
But I was happy
My journal entry from that night looks like the remnants, or maybe the beginning, of a chapbook. I can remember feeling disjointed. I should be sad, I should be hurt, but it was finally happening. You see, I made a poor choice in life. I was young. I thought it was love, but I now know it was just my way of trying to move on with a life that really had not yet started. I don’t think my family really approved, I don’t think my friends approved, but I made the decision all those years ago on my own and now the ending will be my real beginning. I’m happy.
I shouldn’t be smiling.
I made no phone calls, didn’t go to see anyone, no big announcement or invitation this time. I helped move his stuff across the hall, hoping that my relief wasn’t obvious. It was the first night of alone, and I was privately eager. I knew I was going to be able to roll over tonight and fall asleep with a smile on my face. No tears, just the sweet sound of silence and the feeling that all is finally right on my path in my world.