May 30, 2000

We sat at the picnic table

Never used as a family

Just a facade

You wanted to walk away

Never about us, just you

We were holding you back

The kids seemed surprised

Never heard us fight

It wasn’t that simple

I watched my life shatter

Never thought I’d be alone

But I was happy

My journal entry from that night looks like the remnants, or maybe the beginning, of a chapbook. I can remember feeling disjointed. I should be sad, I should be hurt, but it was finally happening. You see, I made a poor choice in life. I was young. I thought it was love, but I now know it was just my way of trying to move on with a life that really had not yet started. I don’t think my family really approved, I don’t think my friends approved, but I made the decision all those years ago on my own and now the ending will be my real beginning. I’m happy.

I shouldn’t be smiling.

I made no phone calls, didn’t go to see anyone, no big announcement or invitation this time. I helped move his stuff across the hall, hoping that my relief wasn’t obvious. It was the first night of alone, and I was privately eager. I knew I was going to be able to roll over tonight and fall asleep with a smile on my face. No tears, just the sweet sound of silence and the feeling that all is finally right on my path in my world.

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