Look no Further

I used to think it was who we had in life that mattered most. And while that’s incredibly important, a beautiful adage and uplifting sentiment,  perhaps we should amend that saying and add, “yes, but..the people around us cannot be the only thing.” Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful to have had such great friends and family supporting me in every adversity and setback throughout the course of my life. There is no doubt that I couldn’t have endured so many troubles without their listening ears, fueled and fired up messages of solidarity and endlessly funny and frivolous memes.

But I have never actually given myself enough credit.

At a time in my life where I have felt the most alone due to distance, heartache and the need for a place to be, I’ve only had myself. And maybe I needed to believe in that over anyone else.

Who battled an unknown sickness, staring down death in the middle of a medical nightmare? Who made the choice in rehab to take the first step toward leaving the bed? The pain, the dizziness, the fear of sitting up, planting my feet on the cold hospital floor and the reality of trying to reclaim a life almost stolen. It wasn’t the person holding my hand, it was me.

When I was told he loved someone else after a picture perfect life built one brick at a time, the responsibility of a household, our life and  family, became a solo sanctuary and at times, an asylum. It was me who was responsible for the continuation of a life and the mending of a heart betrayed, one that had too much stock in others.

Afterward, I climbed an actual mountain on two legs that ache in pain after walking up a single flight of stairs. It wasn’t the person cheering me on, prodding me to keep going up, up, up. I made that decision. I took the falls and I enjoyed the view.

In life I’ve lost my hair, my career, my security, and way too much time believing that others were the ones who made it all possible. In this realization, I found myself, the only person who has gotten me through it all. It is me who continues to be scared, sad, and somehow still manages to try again. 

You did that. You overcome. I did. I am.

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