I believe that we are a collage of all the people we meet and the influence they have good or bad in our lives. During the early years of my life I had little confidence in myself and lots of doubt in my ability to do just about anything. But still I persevered. The many roads I took did eventually lead to where I guess I was supposed to be. Thus, in the middle of my third year of high school I came face to face with the guidance counselor from hell. Her job was to help focus my energies on the future. College? Or no college? I told her that I wanted to go into the medical field. She looked me up and down and told me that I would be lucky to get into secretarial school. I was so upset. I felt angry, I was so broken. Her words tore deep into my soul and branded me a loser. I was devastated and so I didn’t even apply to any school. But looking back on this one incident I now understand life’s plan and I am grateful that this memory is still in my repertoire as a reminder that sometimes “Things happen for a reason.” But, back then, at 16 I was pissed. She crushed my dreams but worst she crushed me. Everytime I took a step forward in life, I was haunted by the words of the misguided counselor and as a result I would always walk away or fail. You see, I was convinced I was too stupid to make it in college and so I became my own worst Academic enemy.I graduated High School in 1965 and went to work with my sister. Every day,on my way to work, I would pass the recruiting station and I was drawn to it. “This is where you belong.” I thought to myself, and so, in 1967 I joined the Army. I also talked my sister into coming with me. She was not your military type but she did it for me. I was not yet 21 which meant that I needed my mom’s permission. Surprisingly she gave it to me. Maybe she was finally realizing she had to let go. The fact that my sister went with me helped too. It was the Army that awakened in me some of the missing pieces in my soul. Basic training was difficult but I made it through with flying colors. Aptitude tests showed that I had an aptitude for the medical field. Imagine that. I wish I had that counselor’s address or that I had access to email back then. We received orders to attend Medical Corpsman training at Fort Sam Houston, Texas. I loved it there and I found that, big surprise, I was good at the medical stuff.Everytime I was reminded of the words “you’re lucky if you can make it to secretariat school” I graduated second in my class which by Army standards was not good enough. You see, first best was given the opportunity to continue training and certify as an Army nurse. I was very upset I did not make it and even more upset when I found out a few months later that the woman who did make it went AWOL (Absent without leave). I was sent to Fort Knox, Kentucky. I liked my job as a Recovery Room corpsman. I was good at that too. But, KP (Kitchen duty) and meeting my soulmate Michael would change the course of my path. Life in the army was pretty good. I was a caterpillar that had come out of its cocoon. Then, I found out I was pregnant which back then was a mandatory out from the Army. It’s hard to explain all the feelings I had when I found out I was pregnant. I was ashamed, once again I was a failure. I was treated like some kind of criminal; as if I did it on purpose so I could get out of the military. If they only knew that I loved being in the Army. It was the first time I was truly happy. I was good at my job. But,always in the back of my mind was that counselor’s words and the feeling I was good for nothing. A few attempts at a new life confirmed my conviction that I was a failure. The last straw was when I was taking a final in Pharmacy school and ended up staring at what I saw as a blank paper. I ran out of the room screaming and my parents were called to pick me up.I was given a chance to retake the exam but I was too traumatized. I went to stay with my brother during this time. He was in the Air Force and stationed in Goose Bay, Greenland. It was peaceful and healing. My Pharmacy background afforded me the opportunity to work for Vick’s Pharmaceuticals but I didn’t take it. My self-Esteem was so low that I felt on the verge of another breakdown. Once more I sought refuge with my brother. He was now stationed in Homestead, Florida and I worked there as a part delivery person. I just want to add that my brother was my best friend and he was always there for me.
My brother left the airforce and relocated to Puerto Rico, I had no choice but to go. I had no life, no direction. Armed with the GI Bill I gave school another try. I attended the Inter-American University and completed my BA (Suma Cu Laude) in Psychology. At graduation all I could think about was that counselor. How she was responsible for my lost years. Before I graduated one of my professors reached out and advised me to minor in education. He showed me a new path and so I took electives in pedagogy. Armed with a Summa Cum Laude BA degree and a minor in education in my pocket I was optimistic. I went to New York and applied to become an education teacher. Easier said than done. Jobs were scarce and the only jobs available asked, Surprise…surprise… “How many words can you type?” and “Do you know Shorthand?” My nightmare continued and I was haunted by the ghost of a counselor from my past. Jobless, a single parent, and desperate, I applied for welfare. In my family welfare was the ultimate mark of failure. But it was there that I found another chapter in my collage. My BA credentials helped me get two things, A test to obtain a Special Education License at the NYC Board of Education, Thank you professor, and a referral to an agency called The Puerto Rican Institute. I think about how I, haunted by my failures, rejected my Puerto Rican Identity, faulted it for my trauma. They gave me a free ticket to a Masters in Special Education at a prestigious University. Bankstreet College thus paving the way to the next chapter in my life.I went down a new path, “only for a little while,” I thought. “until I got myself organized I thought,” 32 years later I retired as a teacher from the NYC Board of Education. My collage is almost complete. My choices, people in my life and experiences good or bad have contributed to who I am and have impacted my life. Not having faith in my convictions has always made me reexamine things; Doubt my choices. I think we all face uncertainty in our lives, some of us more so than others. That’s why we are constantly looking back and wondering “what if?” I still have more I want to do but now I have more insight into who I am and what I want while I am still on this earth. Sometimes the voice of that first counselor echos. Sometimes I feel less than because of it. But, I have a family that reminds me of my self worth and even today I fight my fears and with vengeance and I push forward. Thanks to one counselor who made me doubt my self-worth.