Not A Resolution Gone Wrong by Edward Pontacoloni

The way I see it, there are three types of New Year’s resolutions: the Negative Resolution, such as, “I won’t…;” the Positive Resolution, such as, “I will…;” and the Probable Resolution, such as, “I might….”

Last year, I decided that I would not make any New Year’s resolutions at all. Then, I realized that my decision was itself a Negative Resolution. Consequently, my resolution to not make any New Year’s resolutions had gone wrong. 

So, I had to think of a fourth type of New Year’s resolution. I thought of a Double Negative Resolution, such as, “I won’t not…” However, I then realized that a double negative is a positive, and that my Double Negative Resolution would go wrong and not work as I had intended. 

So, I then considered a Probable Double Negative Resolution, such as “I might not won’t….” That appeared to sufficiently negate any possibility of making a New Year’s resolution that might go wrong. At least it was the best that I could do before the stroke of midnight, and so that is what I did. 

Then I drank more bubbly.

Happy New Year.