“Money, if you should pardon the expression, is a little bit like horse manure. It doesn’t do anyone any good unless it is spread around encouraging young things to grow.”
Fanny Brice in Hello Dolly
A Story Full of Horse Manure
(A Polite Way of Putting It)
How many people have a story about horse manure? Well, I have such a story and I was reminded of it while watching “Keeping up Appearances” a few weeks ago on PBS. Daddy was found standing in a bucket of horse manure and then had a hard time finding another bucket.
Before I retired, I was a dialysis nurse. The staff was busy when we were putting patients on or taking them off the dialysis machines. The four hours in between were usually slow unless one of the patients got sick. Otherwise, the machines would just require monitoring about every hour. During slow times, I would entertain the patients by telling them about my husband’s latest novel use of duct tape such as hanging Christmas lights, making bandages, hose repair and lawn chair webbing or my attempts to start a garden and trying to find a supply of horse manure to improve the soil and attract butterflies.
One day, one of the patients came for his treatment with two buckets sealed shut with duct tape. With a grin on his face, he proudly handed them to me and said “This is for your garden.” I started to open one of the buckets and he told me not to until I got home. When I asked him what was inside, he told me with a laugh that it was more of a present from his horse. Getting the idea, I was faced with the dilemma of what to do with them until I went home. They could not stay in the dialysis unit because they would contaminate it. I decided to put them behind a big garbage can in an empty room and hoped nobody found them. Guess what, they did.
We were expecting a hospital accreditation visit and a team came to inspect the unit to make sure it met environmental standards before the actual inspection. They discovered the two buckets and wanted to know what they were. I told them that they belonged to one of the patients. I was told to make sure he took them home when he left. Close call.
That night on my way out of the building, there was a cleaning team scouring the lobby. Don’t you know the handles on the buckets broke? For two seconds I had visions of horse manure rolling around the newly cleaned and polished floors and my career going down the sewer. Fortunately, the duct tape held and the tops of the buckets remained in place. Another close call.
The next time the patient came in, he asked me how I made out with his gift. I told him about the two close calls and he laughed his head off. He told me to never complain about duct tape again.
Nurses should not accept gifts from patients, but I accepted this gift because it had little or no monetary value and the patient seemed so happy to give it to me. And actually, as he said, it was more of a present from his horse. I am so glad I accepted it. The patient was a Korean War POW. If he fell asleep during dialysis, he would have nightmares about being tortured and would yell out in Korean. His wife told me that listening to my stories kept him from dreaming. He got the biggest kick out of my almost getting caught with the two buckets of horse manure. He told everyone he could about it. She, on the other hand didn’t think it was so funny since he had her go out into the barn at five in the morning to collect the stuff.
I now have a pretty good garden and lots of butterflies. When I see one, I think of Victor and his precious gift. I say “Hello, Victor” to every one of them. I also think about all the other veterans who I had the privilege to care for during my thirty-four-year career as a nurse in a VA hospital. I certainly can’t remember all their names but I do remember many of them or their faces or the funny things that happened while taking care of them. I hope they remember me fondly wherever they are.