Advertisement in the New York Times, June 7, 2020
Have you ever wanted to help your fellow man? Now may be your chance.
Wanted: The brains of men and women who have been diagnosed with Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, Alzheimer’s Disease, Lewy Body Syndrome and Huntington’s Chorea. There is nothing to be done now except contacting the Encephalon Institute at 1-800- MYBRAIN or 1-800-692-7246. Documents giving us your brain upon your death will be sent to you for your signature and that of two witnesses. Please inform your family of your wishes. The Institute will pay for the harvesting, packaging and shipping of your cerebral matter to our research facility in Albany, New York. Upon arrival, your donation will be treated with utmost care and respect. All brains are kept in perpetude in a climate-controlled hall. Small slices will be taken to confirm your diagnosis. Thereafter, it may be subjected to research studies to ascertain the effectiveness of certain new treatments for your diagnosis. Findings will be shared with the world without charge. Your family will also be notified of any promising outcomes related to your donation.
We look forward to hearing from you.
Friday, October30, 2020, 4 P.M.
“Okay, I have arrived. I am in Albany and have been treated very well. As soon as the UPS man delivered me here, I was rushed to an examining room and given a number, ALS16623. My real name was recorded in a log book with my number. They took a few slices of me to examine under a microscope, but it didn’t hurt. I have also gotten used to the alcohol I am in and like the glass jar because I can see all around. I see a picture of Albert Einstein on the wall. He was the greatest brain of all. I wonder if his brain is here. I also see hundreds of other glass jars with brains of all shapes and sizes. They all have numbers. Some start with ALS like mine. Others start with LBS, AD or HC. I wonder why. I guess I will just rest now and sees what happens from here on in.”
Saturday, October 31, 2020, 12:01 A.M.
“Hay, you. Hello, new brain on the block. Welcome to the “Hall of Brains” as we call it. I am AD31459, formerly known as Joe.”
“Oh, my God, who said that?”
“Me. I am in the jar across the shelf from you. I was chosen to welcome you and all the other cerebral matter that has arrived this past year. You see we can only communicate with each other from 12 A.M. until 12 P.M. on Halloween.”
“How do we communicate? We have no mouths. When I was alive, I could think, but could not talk because of my ALS. I would blink once for “yes” and twice for “no” to answer questions.”
“We communicate by telepathic communication which is only possible during Halloween for some strange reason. Us brains have thought about this for a long time and decided it has something to do with the festival of Samhain when it is believed the boundaries between the living and the dead become blurred. Soon everyone will be communicating. It is good you arrived this year because today is Saturday and there won’t be any of the living brains, as we call the researchers, in today. We keep quiet when there are living people here. We can communicate all day today. Our thoughts must last for a whole year.”
“I see a picture of Einstein on the wall. Is his brain here?”
“No. I think his is in Pennsylvania. We do have the brain of a famous comedian and actor who committed suicide in 2014 though. It is in jar LBS22371. It likes to be called Mork.”
All the brains start to wake up and there is a lot of telecommunication all day long.
Saturday, October 31, 2020, 11:58 P.M.
Well that was a very busy day for my first full day. I guess this is not a bad place to be. According to HC00001 who has been here for 20 years and was the first to arrive after the Encephalon institute was established, most of the brains have been given experimental treatments and have improved. I look forward to that. The world will soon be a better place for the living men and women suffering from brain disorders. Medications have been developed for Alzheimer’s for instance. Hope reigns!”